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I'll be 60 years old in August this year.  I'm as unhappy as I was when I was 30 years old so age isn't the issue.   I know exactly what it is that keeps me down in the dumps and yet I'm still not doing anything about it.    It's so stupid that when I mention what the real problem is anyone reading this will close it out and mumble things like ...what a jerk....and....it's your own fault for sticking around all these years.    Dummy.

So here it is:  I married an alcoholic moron in 1981.  I wasn't on top of the world then about the whole idea but I found myself pregnant and, well, it seemed the right thing to do at the time.  

 Mistake number one was  marrying him.   He drank enough back then but not as bad as he does now.  Just pathetic.    I liked him well enough and most of the time we got along but he had nothing to offer to the relationship other than a huge comparison to his former girlfriend that had dumped him years back (smart girl ).   He never quite got over it.  She was a virgin and he was the first man she had sex with so, in his tiny mind, that made her his own.......whatever.  This is who he is and how he thinks in general.  


I divorced him in 2005.  I refused alimony.   Another stupid, useless decision and my thinking behind that decision seemed right at the time.   It was highly doubtful he'd be able to make it on his own.   I never considered my own needs and being able to support myself and the means to do that.  I just wasn't thinking on that at all.  My only concern was to be rid of him without any excuses of not being able to make it on his own because of the money he had to dish out to me each month....and it would be just like him to pull that.  


It ended  up backfiring on me.  Finding a job that would support me was extremely difficult.   I moved in with my daughter and stayed with her for several months.  I started working full time and finally able to afford a small apartment of my own.  It was so exciting and I loved being on my own.  I was free at long last!    In the meantime, the moron continued to drink.  He was living on his own but that wouldn't last very long.   


Long story short.....he's with me again.  Four years now.   During the first five months of him moving in with me I lost my job.  I found a part time job with him and over the past four years of living with him again I worked very hard at getting a house in his name only, but my name is on the Deed.  ( credit worthy stuff, etc)   He did nothing to contribute to any of this but I didn't care about that.  (he has zero coping skills and signing his name alone is reason enough to have a six pack of beer)  I was thinking that if he owns his own place then maybe I stand another chance of escaping on my own again.  I'm still working on that.   So far nothing.   We've been in the house for a year now.


 There's a lot of in between stuff that I've left out for now, but it's always in the back of my mind to be on my own again and to have him out of my life.     I simply can't stand the man.   Every morning I wake up angry.   It's all my own doing though and  I'm the only one to blame for still being in this situation.  


   

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